Yesterday was particularly strange. My husband, Sean, and I attended a Lenten penance service and upon arrival, the church was packed. Everyone else seemed to have had the same last minute idea to go to confession before Holy Week really got underway.
As I waited in line for my turn with the priest, I attempted to do an evaluation of conscience. My thoughts wandered as always and I soon found myself looking back to last year. Because at that exact day in 2012, we received the heartbreaking diagnosis that our first pregnancy had stopped developing a few weeks earlier. This was just the beginning of most difficult week of my life.
After a couple of days, news about the death of my estranged father in Manila made its way instantaneously across the Pacific Ocean. And to make matters worse, because of the difference in time between the Philippines and the U.S., he died on the day of my first wedding anniversary with Sean.
So as I sat there on the church pew, contemplating the anniversaries of the coming week, I couldn't help be feel beat down and discouraged. But at the same time, how could I not feel empowered by the journey I had survived in the last 365 days? How far I have come from those days of despair and misery, after all.
It is so easy, actually, to hold on to bad feelings and carry it everyday for a year... and for some, for years afterward. How many of us use grief and pain and heartbreak to become hard and selfish? ...idle and unproductive? ...cruel and thoughtless? It becomes the reason we wake up in the morning with a negative attitude and the excuse to treat others poorly. In retrospect, how often do we use our own good feelings to do the same? How often do we allow self-esteem and pride turn into arrogance and greed? Do we use our good feelings about ourselves and our accomplishments to believe we are better that others?
Something I have learned in this life (and was reiterated this time last year): going through difficult times does not exempt me from abiding by the Golden Rule. I have come to a harsh realization also, that there are always people experiencing more tumultuous storms that I am struggling through. Because in spite of the events of last year, I am very blessed to have had the unconditional love and support of my husband and although the already-strong bond between my brother, sister, and I was tested amidst tragedy, we arrived at the other side closer than ever. To be quite honest, I almost feel guilty for coming out of that tornado stronger than before it hit.
So in my fleeting wisdom brought on by an opportunity to reflect, I have come to discover the power of emotion - both good and bad - and its ability to hinder us from what we have been put on this world to accomplish: to be loving, kind people to ourselves and one another.
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